Welcome to the MLT Podcast

a Getting Past Your Breakup Production

This week we are talking – in a 2 part series on NO CONTACT

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 49a and 49b

What’s in this podcast:

It’s a NO CONTACT Bonanza!  Complete with FB Follies, Narcissists, Codependents!  These two episodes have EVERYTHING!

 

Times are approximate

1:00 The Brouhaha in the Facebook Group

3:18 When someone is very loving and giving, a narcissist can make inroads

3:38 A FB “interl0per” with a stupid question (Yes, Virginia, there are stupid questions.)

4:48 How to write a letter to your disordered ex (go HERE) for discussion of that.

5:20 Don’t get hooked into games

6:00 The link to the podcast about writing letters to the BH is HERE

7:20 Telling the ex that personal attacks are off-limits

8:00 Don’t be flexible with visitation time

8:42 Putting the ex in a box about visitation – stand on what you have said before

9:15 Refusing to discuss anything with the ex

9:44 The ex would LOVE to get into it with you

10:00 Why is it not okay to post intellectual questions about things that are outside

10:35 Too many GPYBers struggle with NC.  It’s not okay to tell them that NC is a copout

11:15 Her weird logic rages on….

12:00 You can’t come into GPYB and tell people that a basic tenet of the program is wrong

12:50 NC is a foundational aspect of GPYB

13:10 There are many people who DO throw the term “narcissist” around

14:00 Why we can’t have a discussion about NC being inappropriate

15:35 Why NC and litigation are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS

16:30 Why, exactly, are you questioning things out of both sides of your mouth?

17:30 She gaslights the entire group

18:00 If you come into another person’s FB group and upset everyone, that is going to be an issue

18:30 How to NOT be welcome in a Facebook Group

19:00 Litigation and NC are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS

19:10 NC is absolutely about your HEALING

19:40 If your ex is playing games, you need to set boundaries

20:00 How to succeed at NC with a co-parent

22:20 How to use the term “in the children’s best interest”

23:00 It is NOT your place to make anyone accountable

24:20 Even if you get in their face, they don’t take accountability

25:50 Brief – business-like and absolutely necessary

26:21 NC is about taking the space you need to heal

27:00 NC is separate from litigation.  There is no reason to mix up the two


Podcast Episode 49 b

4:25 Typical narcissist – after a time they reach out

4:50 The email from the narc is ME ME ME ME ME ME

5:20 When you tell a narc to leave you alone, they “up the ante”

5:45 Narcissists are emotional vampires

6:10 You are a good (non-disordered person) and loving and giving

6:17 You are giving to the wrong person – someone CONSTITUTIONALLY incapable of appreciating what you have given

7:00 Think back on times YOU’VE manipulated people – think about it…narcs are PROFESSIONALs at this

7:30 It’s about ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

8:00 Narc ups the ante – it’s what they DO!!!

8:30 This is about me – upping the ante

9:00 Narc wants what a narc wants

10:00 Many times your support system has to turn away because you’re triggering them

11:00 Empathy or compassion for where a narc has been and what has happened to them, does you NO good.

12:00 Narcs hurt people and they ignore the hurt they caused.

12:10 All narcs are damaged in some way.

13:00 Narcs engage in Scorched Earth behavior

15:00 When children of narcs act like narcs

15:50 When the absentee parent is a narc and the children grow up and act like the narc

16:30 Contacting your ex who has hurt you is a sign of active codependency

18:15 the Gift of Desperation is acknowledging you’re very hurt and will do anything to get better

19:00 When you are dealing with someone who has their own issues, you can trigger their codependency

20:30 When someone turns away from someone in contact with their ex, it’s about not being triggered

21:15 I just want people to get better

21:25 Codependents feel worthless unless they are doing something for someone else

22:00 People who have hurt you are not good people.

22:35 A HEALTHY person says, “You hurt me. I gotta go….”

23:00 Job One is protecting yourself

24:00 The narcissist or dysfunctional doesn’t hear anything when you are “setting boundaries.”

24:25 The narcissist doesn’t listen.

25:00 You need to turn your attention to YOU.

27:00 A break is self-care not post mortem pow wows with your ex.

27:49 You’re not “different” – your ex isn’t different. It’s all stupid.

28:00 Ignoring your ex does not make you a bad person.

28:40 I want to work with people who want to get better.

31:30 I set boundaries with people because it’s something that has to be done.

32:00 Struggling with contact with the ex is part of the process, but you can’t keep doing it forever.

34:00 A narc will get you alone.

35:00 Narcs, abusers etc. are going to try to separate you from people who are onto them.

36:00 A fundamental right is to be left alone.

37:00  Giving the narc attention fuels the narc’s sense of self.

37:30 NC is about many things: healing etc.

37:40 The “reconciliation” excuse.

38:00 Someone needs to listen to you for a future relationship. If they don’t listen to you, they don’t respect you.  “Leave me alone” is a basic request that SHOULD BE RESPECTED.

40:00 A narc will not respect “Leave me alone” and you have to be aware of how disrespectful that is.

41:00 When you are dealing with codependents, it’s hard to watch after a while. You try to help people and when they don’t listen.

42:00 You need to have the time and space that NC provides and it is in your best interest to stay NC as long as you can.

43:00 You have to recognize your ability to bullshit yourself with justifications, rationalizations and bullshit excuses to contact the ex.  Sit with the anxiety and the other feelings.

44:00 If you can’t set a boundary to be left alone, you’re going to have a lot of issues with other relationships.

45:00 After “leave me alone” there is nothing left to say. You have the right to be left alone when you ask to be left alone.

45:00 There is NO GOOD REASON to be in contact with a narc.

47:00 What recovery sounds like.  It might sound mean but it’s about keeping you safe. Leave it alone!!!

 

 

 



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